


Heartburn

by CurtainCaller



Category: Epithet Erased (Cartoon)
Genre: Fluff, Gay Panic, M/M, Mild Angst, Self-Esteem Issues, They're still bastards but less-so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:22:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29456673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurtainCaller/pseuds/CurtainCaller
Summary: However, there was an additional rule with this gift-giving system. When it came to having a pair of Vice Principals as your bosses, it was encouraged to give your presents to only one of the two. This was meant to fuel the flames of their infighting by implying favoritism, much to the dismay of the lesser-liked of the assigned duo.This fact would've made the chocolates taste bittersweet… if Bugsy had gotten any.
Relationships: Arnold Markdown/Bugsy Pugsler
Kudos: 9





	Heartburn

Valentine's Day was a pretty fun day for the Banzai Blasters… well, fun for just about everyone that wasn’t a pitiful, bottom-of-the-pyramid minion. 

Minions were tasked to give their bosses the kinds of gifts you'd hand out on this day, and on every other gift-related holiday. If they didn’t, they were often reprimanded. They were usually urged to give their bosses the best gifts they could provide, with the " _ promise _ " of the potential result of being seen as more than a tool. Some generous few were even more likely to get promoted...or so they were told. These gifts were often stolen, because of obvious crime-related reasons, but they got bonus points if they spent actual money. It was really just a roundabout way of bribing their bosses.   
  
However, there  _ was  _ an additional rule with this gift-giving system. When it came to having a pair of Vice Principals as your bosses, it was encouraged to give your gifts to only one of the two. This was meant to fuel the flames of their infighting by implying favoritism, much to the dismay of the lesser-liked of the assigned duo.   
  
This fact would've made the chocolates taste bittersweet… if Bugsy had gotten any.

Bugsy was used to not getting a lot of gifts on Valentines Day. He was already aware that he wasn’t exactly the most… _physically attractive_ person in the world, and he had long since come to terms with it. He wasn't expecting anyone to come forth and declare their love for him or anything. All he had hoped for at least _one_ gift today, especially in a pyramid scheme that made giving gifts mandatory. Even one of those crappy heart-shaped lollipops would've been nice.   


Instead, he was greeted to the sight of his minions flocked around  _ Arnold _ , giving him presents and praise of all kinds. It gave him flashbacks to Elementary School, watching his classmates gush about all the cute Valentines they got, while he sat with only a handful of cards at best. With each passing minute, he felt his hopes rise whenever one of his minions approached his general direction, hoping to be given  _ something _ . Anything. For once, he wasn't picky. One of his minions could've given him the cheapest, crappiest Valentines Day gift they could find and he'd be content with it.  
  
His hopes were crushed when his hands were left empty.

So he left. He didn’t head very far, he just stepped out of their hideout with the excuse that he needed _“fresh air”_. He couldn’t handle the sight of Arnold getting all the adoration he so desperately wanted--no, the adoration he  _ deserved _ today. All he wanted right now was to be out of earshot of all the forced compliments they were spewing at a stupid, twinky support that didn’t even take 1/8th of the damage that Bugsy took during battle.    
  
Maybe he was just being petty about this, but he didn't care! He was always the one doing more work out of the two! All Arnold had was a bizarre obsession for flimsy little sheets of paper and maybe a  _ few  _ useful abilities when the stars aligned. Bugsy was the one taking all the hits and dealing all the damage… well, out of the two of them, anyways. Their minions did most of the dirty work. Still! They should be grateful for all the work he does when he steps in! He didn’t understand why Arnold was the favorite of the two. After all, Arnold was usually the one talking about how their minions were tools… they were both equally evil, right? So what was he doing wrong!?

He briefly humored the thought that maybe their minions were only giving Arnold gifts because they could save money. The savings-loving nerd probably thought that half off bags of candy was a flattering gesture rather than a lack of effort.   
  
The redhead didn't get much time to ponder that possibility when Arnold suddenly peeked around the corner, calling out to him.    
“Bugsy?”   
He flinched out of reflex, having not heard his partner approach. “Tch, don’t sneak up on me like that!”    
“Sheesh, sorry! I was just coming by to chat.” He stepped forward, his hands held behind him in his usual neutral stance. Bugsy just rolled his eyes.   
“What, are you already tired of all the attention you're getting from  _ our _ minions?” He couldn’t help but lace his voice with sarcasm. Arnold didn’t seem to notice and/or care, though.   
“Well, I wasn’t… until the Jennifers brought up the topic of romantic comedies and I got outta there ASAP. Their squealing gives me a headache.”    
  
Okay, yeah, that was understandable. Their trio of feminine minions had an affinity for cheesy, terrible romance stories, so of course they'd bring that topic up today. Bugsy chuckled a bit, imagining how that went down. Maybe he should've stayed inside to see how fast Arnold rushed out of there the second they brought up a popular movie title.   
“That's odd, I always pictured you being the type to like romcoms."   
“Hey, hey! I'm not against them, I just have this thing called  _ standards _ and  _ taste _ . Er, by the way, speaking of taste…"   
  
Bugsy raised a brow, watching as Arnold softly smiled. His partner's cheeks darkened a little as he rocked back and forth on the heels of his boots.   
“Well, remember our debate over what the best candy bar was--which is still Snickers, I don’t take criticism on that.”   
“Fuck your Snickers, Hersheys is a classic and I stand by that statement."   
“Whatever, I’m not here to start that debate again.”   
“Then what _are_ you here for?” Bugsy wasn't very patient, especially not today of all days, and he was already starting to get tired of Arnold running around the subject. Thankfully, he got to the point quick.

"I remembered what you said about your chocolate preferences, and I found this neat little place in Sweet Jazz City that lets you put together your own little chocolate boxes, and…"

"Wait, did you seriously--"

Bugsy cut himself off as Arnold moved his arms from behind his back, revealing a classic heart-shaped box of chocolates being held out to him. It was decently sized, ornately decorated, and very fancy looking, with swirly rose patterns covering it.

"I diiiiiiid!~" Arnold said proudly, nudging the box into Bugsy's hands. Bugsy almost dropped the present out of shock, thinking it was too good to be true. 

The first thought that came to him was that it was probably a prank of some kind. Despite Arnold's friendly smile, he wasn't going to take any chances. The only thing worse than getting nothing for Valentines Day was getting pranked. He cautiously began to inspect it, turning the box over and over in his hands, even shaking it a bit. He didn't find any outward signs that this was a prank, but he  _ did  _ find a heart-shaped tag on it. 

**"To: Bugsy.**

**From: ~~The superior Vice Principal~~ Arnold."**

He didn't take this as a threat. If anything, he couldn't help but stifle a laugh at the scratched out message as he opened the box. Despite the quirky writing lowering his guard, he was still under the impression that something was wrong with the chocolates.  Maybe Arnold filled them with toothpaste somehow, like that trick people do with Oreos. He's been on the other end of that kind of prank a few times. He picked up a chocolate and broke it in half to test this theory, ignoring Arnold's bewildered stare. Seeing as there was nothing odd about it, he took one glance at Arnold and ate it. Worst case scenario, if it  _ was  _ a prank, he could just use it as ammunition to get immediate revenge-

_ Holy fuck this wasn't a prank _ . His expression shifted from anxious to ecstatic, his eyes practically sparkling as he immediately popped another chocolate into his mouth. And another. And another. All of his favorites were in here, now that he _"examined"_ the contents further. Mostly dark chocolates and caramels, with a few white chocolates in the mix. Every single one of them tasted  _ delicious.  _ He turned to his support, still on-edge, but with a smile on his face nonetheless.

"You seriously bothered to remember what I liked and got me expensive chocolates?"

"Pssh, oh _please_ , they weren't expensive at all! Not to me, anyways. Not when my coupon game is  _ this  _ hardcore." Arnold whipped out a few coupons and fanned himself with them, a smug grin on his face. It faltered when Bugsy pressed further.

"Well, why are you giving me these  _ today? _ Shouldn't you of all people have given me these tomorrow? Y'know, when all the chocolates are half off?"

"W-Well, it's because we've got a heist tomorrow!"

When the redhead gave him a confused look, he nervously continued, fumbling with his words as he wrung his hands a bit. 

"I got them for… for ammunition, duh! You've got a food Epithet and you're always rambling on and on about your _"extinguished palette"_ and all. I thought I'd get the least-worst Banzai Blaster I've met some acceptable ammo. You said it yourself, the better the food you eat, the better your attacks are. And I… I prefer when our heists are successful. Not just because of the rewards we rake in. As annoying as you are, I enjoy celebrating with you more than seeing you all grumpy and pouty. I have more fun when you're happy…"

Arnold took a brief look at Bugsy for a moment as he trailed off and froze. His expression shifted from shy to curious.

"Bugsy, are you okay? Your face is as red as your hair."

_ "It's a sunburn." _ Bugsy exclaimed this in a weird mix of a half-mumble and a half-yell. He wanted to provide an excuse for the heat rising to his face, but his brain immediately tried to backpedal upon hearing such a stupid reason, which led to _that_ mess of a reply.

"A sunburn? We've been outside for 10 minutes."

"Uh...no, no I didn't say I have a sunburn, I said I-" Bugsy went for plan B of hiding his emotions: food. In this case, chocolates. He couldn't speak with a mouthful of caramel, that was nearly impossible for anybody, so he bought himself some time to think before he spoke up again. 

He couldn't let Arnold know he was **FEELING EMOTIONS**. Like  _ gratitude _ and god forbid, maybe even a little bit of  _ guilt _ that he didn't get anything for him in return. Most of all, he despised the feeling of...whatever was making his stupid body go into panic mode, with his heart pounding and his face all red. Villains weren't supposed to feel any of that! Especially not after Arnold's… whatever that was! He couldn't tell if they were compliments or insults that he was throwing out, but either way, they shouldn't be making him feel like this!

He had to find a way to get rid of these feelings. ASAP.

* * *

"Hey, hey, Bugsy!" Bugsy turned his head, seeing Arnold running up to him, waving his hand to grab his attention. "Do you remember which of our minions gave me this? I forgot who did and I wanted to thank them."

As he spoke, his partner held up the gift in question in his other hand: a single white rose. Nothing complicated, not even a full bouquet of flowers. Just one rose, with nothing attached to show who the sender was. Bugsy just shrugged his shoulders.

"I dunno, I wasn't paying attention. Go and ask them yourself."

"You know damn well that won't work. They'd all take the credit for it and I'd get nowhere." Arnold probably would've side-eyed their minions if they were nearby.

"Well just shut up about it then. It's their loss for not putting their name on it. Just keep it."

Arnold opened his mouth to retort, but ultimately shrugged and started to carefully put it behind his ear that didn't hold a pencil. Bugsy smiled, seeing Arnold's focused little expression on his face as he put it in his hair.

"Hey, it looks nice on you."

"Aww, shucks, thank you Bugsy!" Arnold grinned and did that gay little hand motion. You know the one. Bugsy's smile quickly shifted into a smirk.

"Yeah, it matches your skunk stripe hair perfectly."

"Wha-hey! Shut up, you moron!" 

Arnold gave the larger man a quick jab in the arm, which did no damage whatsoever and only earned a bit of laughter from his partner. Despite having just been insulted, Arnold started to giggle as well. He couldn't help it, Bugsy's laughter was contagious to him, and he knew the big lug didn't mean it. Even if he did, the insults they threw at each other were only ever passive-aggressive at most.

And most of them weren't even true. Bugsy wasn't the smartest, but he wasn't a  _ complete _ moron. Well, most of the time. After all, he was smart enough and skilled enough to fake a laugh.

What started off as a proud, genuine chuckle was gradually becoming more forced the longer he saw Arnold's smiling, giggling face. Especially with the added flower behind his ear. All that flower did was make things worse. He went through the trouble of dethorning that stupid thing and he was still FEELING THINGS! There had to be some reason for this...

Was it possible to get heartburn from eating too many chocolates?

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who got attached to two vaguely-gay losers who only had, like, 10 minutes of screentime? Let's go gays, let's go.
> 
> I simultaneously decided to go "fuck canon" and make them somewhat nice to each other, but allowed some canon aspects to stay for awkward tension and disaster gay purposes. Also because I prefer to imagine them affectionately messing with each other rather than being entirely fluffy and romantic. The end result is two Vice Principals who're really bad at romance and don't know how to understand/display their feelings properly, especially with the added infighting system.


End file.
